Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Grad School!

Well, it looks like everything might work out! Last year, I decided to quit my job and company in Africa, to find a new job/company back in the US so I could go back to school to pursue a MBA degree.

I found out this week that I got accepted into Washington University in St. Louis!

Hopefully my work travel schedule will work out so that I can start!

Im excited and nervous about being a student again! I will be doing the evening program so I can continue working. I will probably be pretty busy with work and school work at the same time! But I'm looking forward to being back on a campus!

Being Grateful...

It feels good to be writing again. My life has been pretty crazy lately. Work has me traveling a lot which really restricts my writing

Anyways, I was perusing through the typical blogs and came across one talking about the expectation of being grateful for being adopted. Maybe I read it wrong, but it felt like there was some resentment towards that "expectation"?

It made me think about how I view the definition of "grateful" and what it meant to me.

To me: Gratefulness is a self attitude of thankfulness or appreciation for something, usually undeserving. Gratefulness usually is tied to a current condition, although you can be grateful something didn't happen to you.

You can't be grateful if you are enacting it just because someone tells you..however should we not be grateful for everything?

I am grateful that I am adopted. I don't know why this is such a hard thing for some adoptees to deal with or feel like they are pressured to be by society? You can't be pressured into gratefulness because it is a self attitude.

I know that being adopted is not ideal. I know that in a perfect world I would not have been adopted. But that does not, and should not, prevent me from being grateful for being adopted.

So what causes someone to be grateful? Why are some adoptees grateful for being adopted and some not? Well since it is a self attitude, I guess it has to do with some inner self reflection and thought? I know a lot of people hate the attitude of "move on", but it is so true, I don't know how to formulate a thought without that mentality. No amount of reflection, self loathing, or anything else will change the fact that I was adopted in the first place. So I guess I have to "move on" past the fact that I was adopted. Now you can "move on" with a bitterness towards what happened to you and that the best scenario didn't work out, indifferance, or gratefulness that something worse didn't happen. I guess my feeling is if you live your life always looking back and reflecting on how much better it could have been, I realize that you miss what is going on now, and actually make what is going on now worse because I am bringing that negative attitude to what is happening now.

So in light of this here is a quick list of what I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful that my birth mother gave birth to me (the alternative is so much worse!)

2. I am grateful that I was found in the bakery by the police (sure its not ideal, but better than roaming the streets at 3 years of age!)

3. I am grateful for Grace Home Orphanage in Daejeon, and my Orphanage mother and sister who I have met.

4. I am grateful for my parents, providing a home and family to me. It seems that some adoptees view that adoptive children make a family to APs, but they overlook that APs provide a family in return. Its a two way street.

5. I am grateful to adoption agencies. Even though there is a lot of difficulty with them, and they may be inefficient or corrupt at times. Without them I would have never been adopted.

6. I am grateful to visit my motherland, Korea. Even when it is difficult seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting things that I remember from when I was a child. Or even the pain I feel when I have to explain to the people that I can't speak Korean, and the look on their face. I am still grateful.

7. I am grateful to the Korean family that "adopted" me back when I visited Korea. I still am in touch with them and very much consider them family!

8. I am grateful for finding blogs. I started blogging 3/4 of a year ago and got me into writing about adoptions. It has really opened up a lot of emotions and feelings that I never explored before. But it is for the better. I am grateful that I "survived" the endeavor, and came out the same person as before.