Saturday, December 27, 2008


I was reading yet another blog about adoption. This one in particular I believe had undertones of being "Anti-adoption". Im not sure what tipped me off, except I did find this list of 15 reason (I don't think I was included in this "proven"

While this list of 15 gives reasons why not to give up a child for adoption, it does not provide any alternatives. If a mother decides she can not take care of a child, if adoption should not be an option, then what options does she have? If you have any ideas please let me know!

If you surrender your baby to adoption, you will be condemning him or her to suffer these proven harmful effects:

1. The severe trauma of being separated from you will radiate throughout every aspect of your baby's life. Your baby will experience your loss as the psychological death of his mother. There will never be closure.
2. Your baby will know the difference between you and his female adopter because he has bonded with you during your pregnancy. He knows your scent and your heartbeat. He seaches for the smell of your milk - not hers.
3. Your baby will feel abandoned by you, often resulting in a lifelong inability to trust anyone.
4. Your baby will always wonder why you didn't keep him and will blame himself for not being lovable enough to keep - a todder's realization that they were adopted. Many adult adopted people find they still carry this feeling inside - and it influences adult relationships.
5. As your baby grows up, your child may feel like a misfit and will suffer from low self esteem.
6. Your child may think about you constantly. This may cause your child to have difficulty concentrating on his schoolwork. Your child will be labeled a "dreamer" and a "bad student," further harming his chances for success in life.
7. Your child's adopters may not understand his lack of concentration and he could easily be misdiagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). If misdiagnosed, they will force your child to take drugs that he doesn't need.
8. Your child will lose his true identity while his adopters try to force him to be like them.
9. Your child will have no sense of his past which will make it difficult for him to envision his future.
10. Your child may suppress his true feelings and live an emotionally-numb life in order to survive the tragedy of his separation from you compounded by his adoption.
11. As your child becomes an adolescent he will have great difficulty establishing a sense of self because he will have no sense of his true history or heritage.
12. As your child becomes an adult he may have difficulty choosing a career and a mate due to his fear of commitment and abandonment.
13. Your child's adopters will probably not acknowledge that raising an adopted child is different from raising a child of their own. They will further burden him by telling him that he should forget about you and be grateful that they adopted him and gave him a home because you did not.
14. Nothing anyone does or says can ever make up for the loss of your child's first family!
15. You will never be able to change the past and undo the lifelong adverse effects of adoption on your child!

Here is my response to the above list of 15:

1. Psychological death? I never even knew such a thing even existed. Does a baby even understand the meaning of death? My birth mother is either physically alive or dead. I guess if I ever decide to search for my birth mother and I find her, that will bring closure to this "psychological death?"
2. I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure if my birth mother walked by me on a street, I would not be able to "sniff" her out. Its been 25+ years, I'm pretty sure I can't remember if my birth mother wore Chanel 5.... However I do know my mother does like to wear Baby Soft perfume. And to think about searching and drinking any mother's milk at the age of 28...ew.
3. Abandonment issues. I would think an adoptee who was a baby would have a lot less "issue" with this than someone like myself who was adopted near the age of 5?
4. Pfft...I've seen pictures of myself when I was younger. I was cute and lovable! I didn't have much of a "break through" in my realization that I was adopted. The fact that I'm Korean and my parents are white, kind of made that pretty easy to figure However, your baby may use this as a crutch or an excuse..yes, that is a sad fact of life, some people will try to use any misfortunes in their lives as an excuse...
5. What kid does not feel like a misfit at some point in their lives?
6. Again, another case of using a misfortune as a crutch. Do you think adoptees are the only ones with problems? How about the kid next to you who is being physically abused at home?
7. Isn't every kid in the US mis-diagnosed with ADD? This is not exclusive to adopted children. This statement is true too: "If you keep your kid he could easily be misdiagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). If misdiagnosed, they will force your child to take drugs that he doesn't need."
8. What is identity? Why do people misinterpret "identity" with heritage or ancestry? They are different. According to the dictionary identity is: "the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another". So whether you grow up with your birth parents or adoptive parents, it should have no bearing one's identity, because one's identity is their own, and not passed down in a bloodline.
9. What about someone's parents effects your future? If this statement is true, an adopted child is probably better off. Think about the scenarios in which a birth mother would give up a child (ie. economics, wedlock, social pressures) versus the scenarios of adoptive parents. The adoptive parents situation would almost always be considered "better" so your child would have a better vision for the future because they were raised in a "better" situation.
10. At least this argument separates the difference between being orphaned and being adopted. However, I still have yet to hear why adoption is negative. So I don't know how adoption compounds this issue?
11. I personally establish my sense of self based on what I have accomplished and my future plans, not on my history. I don't believe my family's history should impact my sense of self because then it would not be a "self" it would be a sense of "family"
12. Honestly, who doesn't have a hard time picking a career. Also, who isn't afraid of getting hurt in the game of love?
13. Nope. My parents always reminded me that I was adopted. They were very open about it. Again, kind of hard to "hide" it when I am Korean and they are white. However, they were always very open about the subject and they were always willing to help me explore my adoption if I ever wanted too. My parents were grateful that they were able to adopt me, they never once in my life ever expected me or told me that I should be grateful that they adopted me. However, I personally do feel a great sense of gratefulness to them. Which maybe why I defend adoption and ad
14. What a joke! Just because someone shares DNA with you does not make them your family. It does make them a good donor in the future, should you ever need one. However, it does not guarantee a emotional bond you share with your family that you develop over time. Otherwise, how do you explain being closer or having more emotional attachment to some family members and not others. If this statement were true then everyone should have the same "strength" of bond between all of their family members. We all know this is not true, there is always the odd uncle/aunt/cousin that we just don't get along with.
15. Of course not! You'd be a millionaire if you could change the past! However, you can make a huge difference on your baby!

Abortion may seem like an easy answer, but it is only available pre-birth. I was abandoned around 3 years of age, so if my mother had followed that "route" it would have been called first degree murder (luckily, my mother choose the adoption route). Ironcially Roe vs. Wade, society, and medicine, will always try to de-humanize an unborn child by calling it a fetus. However, how many expecting parents do you hear call the first ultrasound image of the pregnancy a fetus? How many pregnant mothers have you heard say "Oh the fetus kicked!", or people ask "What are you going to call the fetus?". I wonder how many Pro-Choice supporters find themselves calling the unborn child a "baby"! Shocking! I bet after the first ultrasound, the vast majority of the Pro-Choice contingency would call the unborn child a Baby and not a fetus. Now ask yourself how many Pro-Lifers would call their unborn child a fetus? I bet almost

Yet another thing that anti-adoption supporters seem to over look is the options a parent has when orphaning a child. You have to imagine the parents are in the worst imaginable situation, or believe that they are, to consider giving up a child. Do you really think its best for that child emotionally and physically to force those parents to keep the child? This scenario just sounds like a bad mixture for abuse and even worse psychological damage for a child...


  1. Ah, you mean ecb's blog. I quite like that blog because of the points it states.

    There's a snarky line by you that I'd like to point out: "I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure if my birth mother walked by me on a street, I would not be able to "sniff" her out. Its been 25+ years, I'm pretty sure I can't remember if my birth mother wore Chanel"

    The reader was referring to infants who have JUST come out of the womb. Not a 25 year old adult.

    I actually disagree with some of these points, to be honest. #6, 8, 10 and 14 are the ones I quite blatantly disagree with, although I wouldn't go so far as to say they aren't true for some people. It varies from person to person. Because I used to be one of the ones who insisted that my adoption was no big deal.

  2. I think you hit the nail on the head of what I was trying to show with this post.

    "It varies from person to person"... but if you read the bold sentance prior to this list of 15, it states that these 15 are "Proven" that if a mother gives up their baby they will experience these 15 issues.

    I know my list of 15 are snide responses because that was my full intention. ECB's blog posted this list of 15 "Proven" items but never provides proof or a reference. Are we just to take ecb's word that these are proven? I'm sorry but I'm an engineer and I question everything and I especially don't take a stranger's word on the internet.

    Apparently this list is only specific to newly born adoptees. I'm assuming the author (ecb) was a newly born adoptee? My guess is because this list of 15 is prominately displayed on their blog sidebar.

    Again, my second major issue with this entire "Anti-Adoption" movement, is that each proponent only argues from their narrow perpective/experience. I have yet to see anyone argue their point from a whole overview encompassing all oprhans/adoptees. I will not disagree that maybe an adoption here or there was not the best solution. But you can't use a few examples to make a blanket statement to the entire population, its just bad logic, bad reasoning, and a good way to really mess things up. Unfortunately I have yet to find anyone in the "Anti-adoption" movement who can "zoom out" of their own experience a little to look at this issue without letting their own experience/emotions get in the way.

  3. Hmmm. Interesting. I whole heartedly agree that adoption is based on the person. I am very tired of other Korean Adoptees telling me that I should feel bad or robbed. It often leads me towards sarcasm. I would continue to find your own way and hope that other people can remember that it is YOUR way...

  4. ["It varies from person to person"... but if you read the bold sentance prior to this list of 15, it states that these 15 are "Proven" that if a mother gives up their baby they will experience these 15 issues.]

    Yes, InMySeoul. MOTHERS. Not a 25-year-old adult adoptee. Not once did they mention an ADULT would miss the smell of their bio mother's milk. They were talking about infants and how important the bond is between mother and infant at birth.

  5. -littlewing,
    First of all I would like to clarify, I am 28 years old. Secondly, I was orphaned when I was about 2-3 years old. And while I agree the statement is for an "infant" as such, many of these issues on this list are not exclusive to infant orphans. Also, many of these "symptoms" occur during child development and adult years. As a matter of fact, if you look at the list, the vast majority of them have nothing to do with a "bonding" issue as most of them might affect any adopted child regardless of what age they were "abandoned".

    The only things on this list exclusive to infancy adoption are # 1 and 2!

    I am not denying that the things on this list do not occur. What I am saying is I disagree that the comments using phrases such as "Proven" without providing any support. I also disagree with many of these comments because they occur regardless if a child is adopted or not. So to label them as a "symptom" of a infancy adoptees is totally false.

    As a matter of fact, I believe that many of the listed "symptoms" are just as prevelant in children who are raised by a single parent(most often a single mother).

    Statements such as: " If misdiagnosed, they will force your child to take drugs that he doesn't need." Is totally misleading. I'm sorry, but if any parent (regardless of adoptive or not) thinks their child is ADD or has some other illness that can be corrected by drugs, their child will be "forced" to take the medication to fix it. It has nothing to do with the fact that the child was adopted as an infant, it has to do with the fact that a good parent will "force" their children to take the proper medication to fix any ailment they believe might be affecting their child.

    It is statements like this that the "Anti-Adoption" movement makes because they feel that the problems they face are mutually exclusive to being adopted (whether it is at infancy or not). The truth of the matter is children can and do experience most of these "symptoms" regardless of them being adopted or not. Single parent children for example face many of these problems (why not fight to outlaw divorce then?). There are many times more single parent children then adoptees. How about the Korean-Americans (yes they are fortunate that they have Korean families) that come over from the US but are "forced" by their parents to Americanize to the extent where they either never learn or "forget" how to speak Korean. I imagine the so called emotional distress of not knowing your native language is only compounded exponentially if your parents are Korean!

    To think that most of these "issues" or mutually exclusive to "our group of adoptees" is just tunnel vision.

    Like I said over and over, I do not disagree that adoptees face these issues (maybe with a slightly higher chance?). What I disagree with is acting like it is only adoptees that face these types of issues, and then using these issues as an argument to stop adoptions.

    If you really want to get to the "root of the problem" then you are looking at the wrong place. The root of the problems is not adoptions nor "giving up children". The root of the problem is the attitude of adoptees. I will write a post about this soon...maybe later today.

  6. Ah, I got the number 25 from "Its been 25+ years"

    I actually don't agree with many of them either. There are some I agree with, but not all of them.

    Maybe you should take this up with ecb instead to find out what resources s/he used?