Monday, January 18, 2010

Chicken Or Egg?

The age old question: "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Background:
Like I mentioned in my previous post, Diane (Author of the blog: An-Ya) recently asked me to comment on her blog. So I did, and the topic for some reason just resonated in my soul....it just hit that right nerve. Anyways, I commented on her blog and I also commented on the blogs that were referenced in her blog. You know that feeling when you do something and as your doing it, you have a weird feeling that you might regret it? Yea...its usually best to listen to those feelings....LOL. Im still an amateur and I still like a good debate!

Unbeknown to me, the blogs that I left comments on were filled with adoptive parents that strike deep fears of feelings of: "head beating on the wall/desk", "talking to a brick wall", and "reminders of elementary school where the best logical argument you could make was 'Oh yea...well your stupid.'", into the hearts of a lot of adoptee bloggers. (note, not all, and not necessarily all adoptees...I have to put this legalize in here, because one of these people who cause these feelings of angst Im sure will misquote it out of context somewhere if I don't have a discalimer). It didn't take long before I received my first ever being labeled as the "Angry Adoptee"...DUN DUN DUNNNNN......

Back to the Chicken and Egg:
So all of these events made me ponder what I was going to write about first, then I was struck with the "light of genius"!.

I would like to put my own twist to this age old question to be used in my scenario:

"What came first? The "Angry Adoptee" or the "Self-Conscious, Over-Emotional, non-logical, take things too personally, name calling/labeling AP" (or some combination thereof)?

I think this is a much easier question to answer than the chicken or egg question.

The "Angry Adoptee" is an adoptee who write blogs or comments that dare to publish that life is not all "peaches and cream" for adoptees. I was never in this crowd before until this week. Like I mentioned above, Diane helped me attain this lofty mark for the first time!

The "Self-Conscious, Over-Emotional, non-logical, take things too personally, name calling/labeling AP" (or some combination thereof)" is an adoptive parent who is blogging on the internet claiming to want honest, safe, discussions about adoptions, but then releases the "wraths of hell" upon anyone who might disagree with them. I can't be part of this crowd because I am not an AP.

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!
The "Angry Adoptee" label has been around much longer than any label for APs. This should not surprise anyone who is familiar with the adoption blog world. The term "Angy Adoptee" has become universal and is frequently used to try to discredit an adoptee's comments or blog.

Sadly, the race isn't even close. In my short, but full imersive blog experience, I have yet to come across any label that has the frequency of use as "Angry Adoptee". The simple fact of the matter is, most of these heated discussions I have seen and been part of, the adoptee bloggers tend to try to make logical arguments and refrain from labels while I have seen way too many times to even count someone throwing out the "Angry Adoptee" label and actually use it to discredit a post or comment.

Conclusion:

Sadly, labels exist and they are used frequently. Sadly ones such as "Angry Adoptee" are used by the ignorant when they can not form a logical argument in response in a heated debate. Sadly, those that use this tactic are usually the ones who need to read the discussion the most. I have heard this label in conjuction with rhetoric that suggests that "Angry Adoptees" are a small faction of "squeeky wheel" adoptees and that the "normal adoptees" don't blog or comment. I am still confused as to why or how this is grounds for dismissing the comments of people?

If you really think about it, the adoptee blogger who is active in commenting on adoption blogs really has nothing to gain, yet they have so much to offer in terms of sharing with AP's who are trying to do their best. I imagine to the AP's who see these insights and comments for exactly what they are; personal experiences and opinions; are able to gain more insight and understanding of what their children might or might not be experiencing.

The next time an adoptee posts a comment that is absolutely different opinion than yours, instead of labeling them an "Angry Adoptee" and dismissing them, maybe you should read their comments and realize and understand that yes, there is at least 1 adoptee who feels or thinks this way. This can lead to much more productive and useful discussions where more information can be shared.

(Im sorry if its not totally coherent, its really late now, and I realize I need to be sleeping. I'll edit this in a day or two!)

6 comments:

  1. "The next time an adoptee posts a comment that is absolutely different opinion than yours, instead of labeling them an "Angry Adoptee" and dismissing them, maybe you should read their comments and realize and understand that yes, there is at least 1 adoptee who feels or thinks this way. This can lead to much more productive and useful discussions where more information can be shared."

    Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Thanks for wading in.

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  2. Oh sure- blame the messenger ;)

    Really truly I should have known better- but what went down did indeed floor me.

    Keep going, absolutely- you never know who is listening in the shadows.

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  3. Well said! I found myself nodding in agreement. I hope some of the posters from the blogs on which you commented read this post with an open mind and open heart.

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  4. Congratulations!! I say that because, once you get labled in adoption land, well.. then you KNOW that you are getting into the juicy stuff! The issues and statements that need to be said! The stuff that upsets people enough to get them upset and throw dismissive terms around! Good job!

    Seriously, though..the I have always felt that the things that make anyone reaction is such an emotional way are the things that need to be further examined...though I don't know that all people have the ability to dig deeper into their own feelings all the time. It's dirty uncomfortable work..so much easier to dismiss someone that to give value to what they say and let that rock one's own personal foundation.
    Oh course.. what do I know.. I'm just some anti-adoption zealot who really should find some meds or a shrink to help me get through my own bitterness and anger.. after all I have no one but myself to blame since I was irresponsible and got pregnant and made a choice..I think, with the Chicken or egg question.. us crack whore birth mothers came first!
    Sorry.. feeling extra snarky this evening!

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  5. I did not read your previous posts or comments and think of you as an angry adoptee. Much to the opposite. As an AP I am constantly searching for information and guidance and wisdom that will help me raise our daughter(adopted at 7 1/2 months from Taiwan) in a way that she can grow up proud of her culture and heritage as well as being proud and happy of the life she has lived here with us. We strive to offer her a set of values and morals and a world that will foster and nurture her with a good self esteem and confidence to be curious of where or why she was adopted, but not let that define her whole life.
    I appreciate your insight, and I take what you write as how you feel, what you think could have been better, and words that lead to discussions that should only help other adoptees or AP's.
    I do think AP's today strive for "doing it better" than in generations past. I know we spent 3 yrs in the adoption process and really tried to utilize that time to educate ourselves as well as our families in being a transracial family, and being an adoptive family. I have no idea if we will parent her the "right" way, but our intentions are good, and hopefully they are not selfish...it is so hard to know what is the "right" thing to do whether you are an AP or just a parent!!
    Anyway just wanted to let you know I have appreciated your views and insights to being an adoptee.

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  6. So glad Diane got you out of retirement. :o) I always love your insight. It is hard for me to ever imagine you as angry. You have always shown such a desire to learn, teach and reach out with kindness in every comment I have read. I hate negative labels. I think a lot of the "angry adoptee" term being thrown around by APs is strictly out of fear that they are building resentment in their children. Some of them are. You are such a gem to stick around, reach out and guide our ignorant minds to the feelings of our children that may go unrecognized without your (or other adoptees) insight.

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