Trying this out again

Hi everyone,
Most people who used to read my blog or followed probably have moved on since its been over two years since my last post.

A lot has happened since my last post and I will try to catch up in this article, but I think I have enough material to write again.

Anyways, the reason I decided to blog again was because of an awesome church retreat that I just attended. I now feel very rejuvenated and it also made me realize that I should start blogging again.

Anyways, originally I didn't want to go on the retreat, but my wife (yes I got married since I last blogged! More on that in a separate article!) really pushed me to go...and boy am I glad she did. She is such a blessing in my life!

Anyways, my attitude was not the best on Friday night. But after a good night sleep, my attitude improved greatly by Saturday morning. Our head pastor was our "guest speaker" for the retreat and he talked about holiness. One comment in particular that surprised me was that "Holiness was meant to be practiced as a community". I always viewed the word "holiness" as a personal or individual basis.  Anyways, my mood was still improving by the time we got to evening service.

Our new pastoral intern gave the talk for the evening service, and he gave his testimony. Then he showed us a card board sign he had made that had his struggles on one side and the end result of what God has done on the other side....kind of like the "end of the world" sign guys in movies. He then challenged us to make one too.

So as I started, I thought this was going to be a really dumb exercise. Little did I know that it would really change my life...that it would change the dynamics of our entire group!

As I sat there trying to figure out how to do this, I was originally frustrated because I have always hated giving my testimony since I was raised in a Christian home and had one of those "boring" testimonies. Then I thought, you know what, my entire life has been what my pastor calls a "Grace Story"...not necessarily how I became a christian but how God has shown his grace in my life. At that point I realized that I have cheated God out of his "Grace Story" in my life...and so I decided to make my cardboard about adoption.

Even though I centered in on the topic, I struggled for over 30 minutes on what to say on my cardboard sign. I brainstormed through ideas like:

I was adopted.....
              .........But God gave me a family

I was adopted and stuck between two cultures
              .......but God gave me a place to belong

I kept struggling with ideas like this....but what really nagged at me was the word "adopted"......was being adopted really the struggle of that I wanted to represent on the cardboard sign? I kept thinking about it and I realized that I use the tag "adopted" no different then like telling someone that I graduated from college. I realized that I use the word "adopted" so that I didn't have to face what really happened. I mean, I think it is great that I did this, and I think it definitely helped me through my childhood. But at the same time...waiting until I was 33 years old to really face this, may seem odd.....

That is when I figured out the correct word for my struggle: "Abandoned"

I struggled for another 10 minutes on whether or not I really wanted to use this word....I actually felt shame at first....it was a very difficult decision and I kept scratching the word out on my scrap piece of paper.....but at some point of time, all of sudden I got this sense of peace and an urge to use it and for some odd reason the strength and resolve to decide that I was going to use it and I was going to share with the group.

My final sign said: "I WAS ABANDONED.....BUT GOD ALWAYS PROVIDED A "HOME" AND A "FAMILY"!

What made the night the best experience ever though, was people were invited to share (not forced too) and what happened was amazing. Apparently I wasn't the only one who felt either convicted or the had the strength to share things as personal and as raw emotion as this....people kept going to the front and sharing. People shared some extremely personal information that I have never seen or heard people ever share that type of information about their past...the amazing thing is that it wasn't like momentum where people were trying to "top each other's stories" but these were all things written down on our cardboard signs.....we all decided earlier that we were going to share something extremely personal and expose ourselves before the sharing occurred!

If you have never experienced something like this, being involved in a group where people are willing to expose themselves for who they really are and not afraid of being judged and just being supported by each other.....You really need to seek this out! It is an amazing feeling!

Yang Nyum Chicken!

Its been a long time since I last posted! I think Im going to try to get back into blogging again. I have met some really neat people and I enjoy getting feedback from other adoptees and adoptive parents. Anyway, my first post back is going to be about cooking!

So my fiancee (Yes, I am getting married!) is from Korea and has been begging me to learn to cook Yang Nyum Chicken which literally translates to Chicken with Sauce. Anyway, the sauce is sweet and spicy, but is more on the spicy side with a hint of sweet. I have been kind of shying away from trying this because it requires deep frying chicken, which I have never done before, but I envisioned it to be messy. (I was kind of right)


But this weekend my fiancee hasn't been feeling well...she came down with a cold. So I finally broke down and made this dish for her. I basically followed a recipe that we had found on facebook


you read my comments, you will see the changes that I suggested. I thought the original sauce was way too spicy and not enough sweetness so I tripled the sugar and corn syrup. I also had to use more water than the recipe called for because the batter was like bread dough. I also fried the chicken at 350 F for 6 minutes both times. I cooked it longer because I used chunks of chicken instead of wings.

Here is my setup for frying the chicken:

Here is a picture after the first frying (It is important to double fry the chicken so that it is extra crispy!):


Here is the final product:

Here is a better picture, but of leftovers!:

I have pictures of my fiancee eating the chicken and a picture of her after she is done eating and full....but I do want to get married in December, so I think it is best not to post those pictures...sorry!

I ate the leftover chicken the next night, and I microwaved it to reheat and amazingly it was still very crunchy! That double frying is an absolute must!

In Search of the Perfect travel mug!

I thought it would be nice to talk about something different for a post.

I travel a lot for work....A Lot....Every Friday through Tuesday I fly to Corpus Christi and Houston.

I also work in a fabrication yard (similar to a construction yard), so if I want to enjoy a nice cup of joe from Starbucks, I have to drink it in the 15 minute car ride to the yard. As most of you know, those paper cups they give keep the drink warm for a whole 20 minutes? If were lucky?

So last week I went on a "shopping" spree and bought 3 different highly ranked travel mugs. The first one I am trying this week! It is by Brugo, and has this "innovative" feature called "Tip and Cool", where you tip the cup backwards and side to side and it stores a small amount of hot beverage in the top of the mug to cool down faster.
So when you take a drink, it is the right temperature for drinking. This is a cool feature, however, I found it annoying having to tip backwards and side to side after every drink. It would be much better if they figured out a way to do this without requiring any additional motion. Sure you can say that I am lazy, but if you ever try it, Im sure you'll agree!

It also has a "Lock" and "Sip" option. The "Lock" does not work perfectly. I found out that if you tip it upside down, it still seeps out the liquid (not a gushing stream) but enough that I wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis. But it is definitely better than a cup without the feature. Also, if you use the "Tip and Cool" feature, the small amount of liquid that is cooling down is outside of the lock feature so it will spill like a normal mug if tipped over. The "Sip" option makes the mug like any other mug where you can drink unlimited amounts of scalding hot beverage. Switching between the modes requires two hands, by turning a dial on the top...but once switched it is one handed operation to drink!

The big factor for me is how long it will keep my drink hot. An hour after I purchased my Starbucks coffee this morning; I open up the "Sip" feature and scalded my tongue...yup still blazing hot!

As for looks, it gets a 10! I even got a compliment on it from the Starbucks person who filled up my mug! That's pretty impressive since it's not one of their products!

If you are looking for a 100% sealing/locking mug, this is not it. It will let a little spill out. However, it won't let liquid splash out from a brisk walk/run or even a fast tip over. I would have to admit that it is a really good mug. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't 100% leak proof, but you can't have everything in the World. I would definitely recommend the mug as does an excellent job keeping the beverage hot. Plus, the "Tip and Cool" feature will save your tongue at the beginning half of any hot beverage!

Stolen Babies: A Matter of Ethics and Morality

So, I was making my "rounds" of blogs a couple of weeks ago, when I came across a blog about stolen babies sold for adoption. Apparently, in China there is a black market of babies being stolen and sold to be adopted. The blogger goes on to contemplate what they would do if they found out their child was stolen and sold into adoptions and asking the audience on their opinions. As I read the responses, I was appalled and sort of sickened by the responses.

Many of the sentiments were along the lines of "well, we didn't do it", "we wash our hands of responsibility", "let the birth parents know annonymously, and send some photos, and letters occasionally, but annonymously so the birth parents can't search for them", "it's in the best interest of the child", etc...

What made it particularly appalling to me was that just weeks earlier, many of these same commenters were arguing to me about how "there is only one mommy, and that is me". They were explaining to me how they are the only "mommy" or term of endearment, because the birth parents gave up their rights to that when they "put their child up for adoption". But when discussing this scenario, the parents never gave up legal rights, but yet this group of commenters didn't seem to care.

It seemed very hypocritical? It's ok to "strip" the birth parents of any terms of parental endearment when they "put the child up for adoption"; but then to have total disregard for the birth parents when the child is stolen (ie...never "put the child up for adoption"). Using excuses such as those listed above to justify their excuses of totally denying the birth parents their rights.

This is an interesting question/scenario, but it shouldn't be as hard as these people seem to make it. Sure, emotionally it is very difficult, but ethically and morally I don't think it is very difficult. I can't imagine how this scenario could be anything but black and white. Also, I know some people may view this discussion as a matter of only thinking of Birth vs. Adoptive parents and totally leaving out the adoptee. However, the point I am trying to make is the fact that the birth parents were disregarded, and the decision was made without their input.

No doubt, this is a very hard scenario. However, I think the decision should have to be made by the birth parents and the adoptee. Obviously every scenario is different. Im not saying that a 16 year old, who has lived in the US since they were 1 years old, should automatically be sent back to China or Korea. Obviously what age someone was adopted, and how old they are now, plays factors into these. However, ultimately is not the birth parent's decision to make? I would hope that birth parents would be able to realize what is in the best interest of their child to let them be in the US, if it has been too long since their "adoption", but now they can have communications. Yet at the same time, if the child is young enough and not much time has ellapsed, then would it not be best to have the child grow up in their native culture with their birth parents.

This is not a matter of who can provide the best lifestyle. Money doesn't make better parents. Who are we as humans to determine if parents in a 2nd World country is worse than parents in the US? If this rationale is used, then what is to stop of "taking" children away from their parents in 2nd and 3rd World countries and giving them to parents in the US or parents with money. Obviously the World would be up in arms if this happened.

I can't imagine the elation of birth parents if they were told their stolen child was found years later, and then having to make the decision of what to do. Do they decide to leave their child to the adoptive parents, and have an open relationship? Do they take their child back to raise? It's an incredibly hard decision to make, and I think the World would have to accept the fact that the parents would hopefully make the best decision....just like the World accepts the decision of every other parent in every other scenario.

However, I can't imagine the elation of birth parents who are told that their stolen child was found years later. Then to find out that the "adoptive parents" refuse to communicate openly and stay anonymous. No parent in the World should have to experience having their child stolen, but especially no parents ever should be held "captive" like this. This has to be worst torture and horror one human being can do to another human being. I understand the emotional ties and difficulty for the adoptive parents, but I can't imagine being so selfish to totally ignore what the birth parents would be going through.

Food

I just read a post by Paula at her blog here.

She brings up a very interesting topic that I never thought about before. How food is often overlooked as an "problem area" for adoptees. She wonders if food was used as a soothing mechanism, and that it was used to show how she would never have to worry about a basic need again. It really has me thinking about it.

The earliest memory I have of my grandparents was the first time my mother let them babysit me. Growing up, my favorite food at the time was fruit. I loved all fruit, even more so than candy (I actually didn't even like candy). Well my grandparents always had a big bowl of fresh fruit on their kitchen table. When my mother came to pick me up, she found a distraught grandma and me rolling on the floor moaning and holding my stomach. The following discussion followed:

Mom: "What happened??"
Grandma: "I don't know..."
Mom: "Did you feed him anything?"
Grandma: "Yes, he wanted some fruit"
Mom: "Oh ok, that's not bad. What kind?"
Grandma: "Well, grapes, apples, pears, and oranges..."
Mom (just noticing the empty bowl): "You let him eat the WHOLE bowl of fruit??"
Sheepish Grandma: "Yes....I thought since fruit is healthy that he would just stop...."

Yes, I don't know how much I weighed, but I know I was very small for my age (5 years old) because I was malnurished prior to be adopted, and that bowl of fruit was probably about 10 lbs.

My grandpa bless his heart never had enough to eat either growing up. His father kept food from him in what we would call today abuse. As a result, he can't get up from the table without knowing exactly when and where the next meal would be. He also instilled into the grandchildren what he called "Clean Plate Winners". He was always proud of his grandchildren who had healthy appetites and would finish everything on their plates. I know he did this out of his own difficulty growing up.

Looking back, I definitely think my past history has affected the way I view food. I am a self proclaimed food-ie. I love food, and I love cooking it. However, I know that I have a long history of over eating frequently. Everytime I go to order food, I know in the back of my mind I am always making sure there will be enough food. Even to the point where I will order way too much food (enough for two people) just to be sure that I have enough.

I order a large pizza (yes for myself), and am disappointed when I leave half of it. Occasionally I get the craving for Popeye's chicken; and order a 12 piece meal which includes 2 large sides and 4 biscuits (yes again for myself only) which Im assuming the company thinks is enough for 4 people. Again, I am slightly disappointed in that there is food left over.

When I cook food, its always way too much. I have never cooked and didn't have enough food. Even to the point where I'll cook 2 packages of Ramen, even though I know I almost never eat more than 1 package. But when its time to cook, I just can't bring myself to cook just 1 package.

As Paula mentions in her blog, this is a very difficult topic. Obviously parents want to make sure their children have enough food growing up. Especially with adoptees like me who were severely malnourished. It's not that I was abused, but there just wasn't much in terms of nutrition in the orphanage I was at. At the time, orphanages in Korea received very little/if any government funding and was mostly privately funded. One of the few things I can sort of remember from that time was eating rice and kimchi, besides that I can't remember eating anything else. For those of you who don't know, kimchi is fermented cabbage that is very popular in Korea (even though these two dishes are at almost every meal, there is always other dishes).

Who knows if my over-eating and the way I view food is due to my past or just psychological. It is definitely something to think about. Im glad Paula wrote about this, because this is yet another area that I will have to think through.

Chicken Or Egg?

The age old question: "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Background:
Like I mentioned in my previous post, Diane (Author of the blog: An-Ya) recently asked me to comment on her blog. So I did, and the topic for some reason just resonated in my soul....it just hit that right nerve. Anyways, I commented on her blog and I also commented on the blogs that were referenced in her blog. You know that feeling when you do something and as your doing it, you have a weird feeling that you might regret it? Yea...its usually best to listen to those feelings....LOL. Im still an amateur and I still like a good debate!

Unbeknown to me, the blogs that I left comments on were filled with adoptive parents that strike deep fears of feelings of: "head beating on the wall/desk", "talking to a brick wall", and "reminders of elementary school where the best logical argument you could make was 'Oh yea...well your stupid.'", into the hearts of a lot of adoptee bloggers. (note, not all, and not necessarily all adoptees...I have to put this legalize in here, because one of these people who cause these feelings of angst Im sure will misquote it out of context somewhere if I don't have a discalimer). It didn't take long before I received my first ever being labeled as the "Angry Adoptee"...DUN DUN DUNNNNN......

Back to the Chicken and Egg:
So all of these events made me ponder what I was going to write about first, then I was struck with the "light of genius"!.

I would like to put my own twist to this age old question to be used in my scenario:

"What came first? The "Angry Adoptee" or the "Self-Conscious, Over-Emotional, non-logical, take things too personally, name calling/labeling AP" (or some combination thereof)?

I think this is a much easier question to answer than the chicken or egg question.

The "Angry Adoptee" is an adoptee who write blogs or comments that dare to publish that life is not all "peaches and cream" for adoptees. I was never in this crowd before until this week. Like I mentioned above, Diane helped me attain this lofty mark for the first time!

The "Self-Conscious, Over-Emotional, non-logical, take things too personally, name calling/labeling AP" (or some combination thereof)" is an adoptive parent who is blogging on the internet claiming to want honest, safe, discussions about adoptions, but then releases the "wraths of hell" upon anyone who might disagree with them. I can't be part of this crowd because I am not an AP.

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!
The "Angry Adoptee" label has been around much longer than any label for APs. This should not surprise anyone who is familiar with the adoption blog world. The term "Angy Adoptee" has become universal and is frequently used to try to discredit an adoptee's comments or blog.

Sadly, the race isn't even close. In my short, but full imersive blog experience, I have yet to come across any label that has the frequency of use as "Angry Adoptee". The simple fact of the matter is, most of these heated discussions I have seen and been part of, the adoptee bloggers tend to try to make logical arguments and refrain from labels while I have seen way too many times to even count someone throwing out the "Angry Adoptee" label and actually use it to discredit a post or comment.

Conclusion:

Sadly, labels exist and they are used frequently. Sadly ones such as "Angry Adoptee" are used by the ignorant when they can not form a logical argument in response in a heated debate. Sadly, those that use this tactic are usually the ones who need to read the discussion the most. I have heard this label in conjuction with rhetoric that suggests that "Angry Adoptees" are a small faction of "squeeky wheel" adoptees and that the "normal adoptees" don't blog or comment. I am still confused as to why or how this is grounds for dismissing the comments of people?

If you really think about it, the adoptee blogger who is active in commenting on adoption blogs really has nothing to gain, yet they have so much to offer in terms of sharing with AP's who are trying to do their best. I imagine to the AP's who see these insights and comments for exactly what they are; personal experiences and opinions; are able to gain more insight and understanding of what their children might or might not be experiencing.

The next time an adoptee posts a comment that is absolutely different opinion than yours, instead of labeling them an "Angry Adoptee" and dismissing them, maybe you should read their comments and realize and understand that yes, there is at least 1 adoptee who feels or thinks this way. This can lead to much more productive and useful discussions where more information can be shared.

(Im sorry if its not totally coherent, its really late now, and I realize I need to be sleeping. I'll edit this in a day or two!)

Out of "Retirement"

If you really like my blog you can thank Diane for this...

If you really hate my blog, you can thank Diane for that! LOL

Diane recently asked me to come out of retirement to comment on a new article of hers.....it was a ambush I think. Anyways, it has got me all fired up, and I'm ready to get back on this.

I don't even know if anyone even follows my blog anymore, but I'll keep writing, and maybe it'll make a difference to someone some day.

how to plan a vacation!

So I was talking to a friend of mine (the one who convinced me that I need to blog again), and I was trying to convince them of taking a vacation. They just graduated from school and now have a job and are earning a paycheck! I asked where they were going to go on vacation with their newfound freedom and money! My friend replied that they didn't know how too and were scared a little of how to schedule a vacation. So this is for my friend in Chicago, who has only been to the Shedd Aquarium once!

Since I have traveled probably more than 99.9% of the population my age, I figured I would give my friend some help/advice!

Step 1: Figure out where you want to go! My friend has an interest in Vancouver for the Olympics in 2010, so we will use that!

Step 2: Figure out when (dates) you are going to go. Since it is for the Olympics, the dates are pretty much set. The Olympics are in February 12 - 28th, 2010. The gold round for female figure skating is Feb 25th and the Gold round for the best short track speed skating is Feb. 26th!

Step 3: Figure out your budget. This is obviously going to be pretty expensive...it is the Olympics. For this trip lets say $5000. I know it may seem like a lot, but it is the Olympics.

Step 4: Flights. Since it is pretty common location Orbitz, Travelocity, Expedia all work well. I found a flight on Orbitz on Continental for $637 total for a 1 stop flight from St. Louis to Vancouver. I know some people are willing to make multiple stops for a cheaper flight, but remember you are paying money for your vacation and taking time off from work for this...do you really want to waste time flying further and wasting time in airports? Also don't forget to sometimes check individual airline websites because sometimes they have promotions(I highly doubt anyone is goign to for the Olympics). Also, if your traveling in the US, Southwest is often the cheapest but does not sell tickets on Orbitz.

Step 5: Hotels. This can change your cost a lot! To some people this is important, to others its just where you sleep and you plan to spend most of your time outside. Depending on what I am planning on doing, I will decide how nice of a hotel I want. Remember, sometimes staying a little further out will save you a lot! As we will see in this example. Because of the Olympics all of the hotels have inflated prices and are booked! Even the Holiday Inn Express has a nightly rate of over $500/night! If your willing to travel 40 miles the hotel rooms get reduced dramatically! back to normal $100+/night! 45 minutes away , 35 minutes away

Step 6: Figure out what your going to do. Since these tickets are already sold out, your going to have to find tickets through brokers (which means they will be more expensive). To do this simply google what your looking for! You'll be amazed at what you'll find! It is a little bit risky buying tickets online if you have never done it before. I would normally recommend buying direct, but in this case they are sold out. www.stubhub.com is a good place to find tickets as you will also find other brokers. Here is what I found: Short Track Speed Skating Gold Round and Women's Figure Skating Gold Round. As you can see the cheapest tickets for both of these events is going to cost about $800 total and can go all the way up to thousands of dollars!

So there it is...all in a few minutes!
Flight: $637
Hotel: $600 (assuming you stay at the 35 minute hotel for 3 nights, and factoring in taxes)
Tickets: $800
Food: $400 (assuming $100 a day, remember everything is going to cost more at the Olympics)
Total: $2437

You may think this is a lot, but it is truly a once in a lifetime experience! Personally I would spend more money to either stay longer or get better seats (to improve my experience). Since this is really a once in a lifetime event, you might want to splurge a little.

Update!

I know I have not posted in so long! I actually do feel bad. I have been so busy its unbelievable! So I figured my first post back would give an update:

I sold my house about a month ago. I moved into central St. Louis area. I did this because I started school about a month ago also. I am going to school at Washington University in St Louis for my MBA. I have classes on Tuesday and Thursday from 6:15 to 9:15 PM.

On top of all this, my traveling continues! it was supposed to stop by now, but it looks like I might be traveling to Corpus Christi several more times!

I know I talked to several other people who did their MBA while working, like I am doing now, and they said it would be tough but it was worth it....all I have to say is...I really hope its worth it! It's amazing how little time I have anymore!

My two classes I am taking right now are "Organizational Behavior" and "Introduction to Management and Strategy". I really like the strategy class, and I am now thinking this is maybe what I want to do in the future. The Organizational Behavior is more of a socialogy/psychology class....which Im not so hot about. Its a lot of touchy feely stuff...the other engineers that got their MBA warned me about these types of classes. I don't hate it as much as they said I would, I don't particularly enjoy it either, but I do find a few things interesting. I can't wait until next half-semester when I get to take statistics and analytical decision making! Now those are two classes that an engineer or math nerd can appreciate!! I can't wait!

Congratulations!

One of my blogger readers/friends just emailed me the other day in response to my previous email about not having enough things to talk about. He told me some awesome news!

He recently was able to go to court and get full release of his adoption information including his biological parents information! How awesome is that. If you would like to read the ruling you can see it in this PDF online: Court Document

Apparently his ruling has since set the precedence for all adoptees in Colorado for adoptions that were finalized between July 1951 - 1967! How awesome is that. It looks like adoptees are slowing "etching away" at the huge legal wall that keeps them from finding out information. While some people may think that its just a small window of time, you have to start somewhere. Maybe this will lay the groundwork for other states and other dates!

That is so awesome! and Congratulations to JH!!

Hiatus

I can't believe its been over a month since I last posted. Im not sure if anyone still reads (hard to "still read" when nothing new is posted).

One of my real life friends who watches my blog has been bugging me to post again. It might also be that she has moved away and misses the good ole' St. Louis? I have been procrastinating, because in truth, I just don't know what to post about. I feel that I have exhausted the Korean topic, and its really tough to blog about that when you live in the US...particularly in St. Louis, where there is almost no Korean culture.

Ive grown weary of the adoption topic. While I have learned a lot, and thought a lot about this topic, I feel that I have worn myself out on this topic.

My friend suggested that I just write about whats going on in my life, so I guess I'll start doing that. Although I can't imagine that being particular interesting...again, I think its because she misses St. Louis! LOL.

This weekend was crazy and a lot of fun. I wish I had my camera but I forgot to bring it with me. Saturday night my friends had an ice cream social to kick off the summer.

Then on Sunday night we celebrated the birthdays of 3 of our friends, with a grill out. Everyone brought their own meat and we grilled it. There were various steaks, brats, burgers (even the non-meat variety), and kabobs. It was delicious. My friends Nicci and Leo and I decided to splurge a little and bought filets. I put sea salt and pepper on them and then slowly grilled them for 40 minutes. Leo said he wanted it medium (pink but no blood), but he kept saying that didn't think it was possible because filets are so thick. I told him, not to concern himself with it, and I knew what I was doing. Well, after 40 minutes of grilling, they came out perfect! Pink in the middle, no blood, and the tenderest steak I have ever eaten! Yum! Unfortunately we ate them so quickly, there was no time to get a picture! Maybe next time.

Grad School!

Well, it looks like everything might work out! Last year, I decided to quit my job and company in Africa, to find a new job/company back in the US so I could go back to school to pursue a MBA degree.

I found out this week that I got accepted into Washington University in St. Louis!

Hopefully my work travel schedule will work out so that I can start!

Im excited and nervous about being a student again! I will be doing the evening program so I can continue working. I will probably be pretty busy with work and school work at the same time! But I'm looking forward to being back on a campus!

Being Grateful...

It feels good to be writing again. My life has been pretty crazy lately. Work has me traveling a lot which really restricts my writing process...lol

Anyways, I was perusing through the typical blogs and came across one talking about the expectation of being grateful for being adopted. Maybe I read it wrong, but it felt like there was some resentment towards that "expectation"?

It made me think about how I view the definition of "grateful" and what it meant to me.

To me: Gratefulness is a self attitude of thankfulness or appreciation for something, usually undeserving. Gratefulness usually is tied to a current condition, although you can be grateful something didn't happen to you.

You can't be grateful if you are enacting it just because someone tells you..however should we not be grateful for everything?

I am grateful that I am adopted. I don't know why this is such a hard thing for some adoptees to deal with or feel like they are pressured to be by society? You can't be pressured into gratefulness because it is a self attitude.

I know that being adopted is not ideal. I know that in a perfect world I would not have been adopted. But that does not, and should not, prevent me from being grateful for being adopted.

So what causes someone to be grateful? Why are some adoptees grateful for being adopted and some not? Well since it is a self attitude, I guess it has to do with some inner self reflection and thought? I know a lot of people hate the attitude of "move on", but it is so true, I don't know how to formulate a thought without that mentality. No amount of reflection, self loathing, or anything else will change the fact that I was adopted in the first place. So I guess I have to "move on" past the fact that I was adopted. Now you can "move on" with a bitterness towards what happened to you and that the best scenario didn't work out, indifferance, or gratefulness that something worse didn't happen. I guess my feeling is if you live your life always looking back and reflecting on how much better it could have been, I realize that you miss what is going on now, and actually make what is going on now worse because I am bringing that negative attitude to what is happening now.

So in light of this here is a quick list of what I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful that my birth mother gave birth to me (the alternative is so much worse!)

2. I am grateful that I was found in the bakery by the police (sure its not ideal, but better than roaming the streets at 3 years of age!)

3. I am grateful for Grace Home Orphanage in Daejeon, and my Orphanage mother and sister who I have met.

4. I am grateful for my parents, providing a home and family to me. It seems that some adoptees view that adoptive children make a family to APs, but they overlook that APs provide a family in return. Its a two way street.

5. I am grateful to adoption agencies. Even though there is a lot of difficulty with them, and they may be inefficient or corrupt at times. Without them I would have never been adopted.

6. I am grateful to visit my motherland, Korea. Even when it is difficult seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting things that I remember from when I was a child. Or even the pain I feel when I have to explain to the people that I can't speak Korean, and the look on their face. I am still grateful.

7. I am grateful to the Korean family that "adopted" me back when I visited Korea. I still am in touch with them and very much consider them family!

8. I am grateful for finding blogs. I started blogging 3/4 of a year ago and got me into writing about adoptions. It has really opened up a lot of emotions and feelings that I never explored before. But it is for the better. I am grateful that I "survived" the endeavor, and came out the same person as before.

What's in a Name?

I recently read a blog about a Korean adoptee changing their name back to their Korean name. I wondered why in the world would someone change their name back? For me, after 23 years since my name was changed to English (I can somewhat remember that court proceeding) I can't imagine changing it back and using my previous name "Yang Woon Hee".

However, in the last couple of months I have been faced with a new question that I have never been asked before (in my 23 previous years of growing up in the US). When I think about it, I don't know why I have never been asked this question before in my life. The question is very rude, and hard to deal with sometimes. Because about the only way to politely respond it is to tell some stranger that you are adopted (Which I don't always want to divulge).

The question is usually phrased in the following ways:
"I don't picture you as a Spalding"
or
"You don't seem to match your last name"

My most recent occurance was last night when I was checking into my hotel in Houston (I travel a lot for my work). The girl was very friendly and was making small talk as I was checking in, when she said "I didn't picture you with your last name". I just replied "I was adopted." As I replied you could see her face drain of color as she just realized what she had said. She apologize profusely over and over. I actually felt bad for her, because I knew that she didn't mean it in any mean way, but was just trying to be friendly.

I had this discussion with my Korean tutor last week about last names. In Korea, people can use their last names and trace the family lines for hundreds and hundreds of years. She asked me how Americans got their last names. I explained that for most Americans, you can tell what ancestory they came from. How you can tell if someone had German heritage or French heritage based on their last names. This is why I didn't take offense when the Hotel clerk as me this question. Even though it was hard for me to "swallow" and to respond, I don't fault her. I would thoroughly agree that my looks do not match my last name.

In the last couple of weeks, I have really thought about this issue because I have never faced it before. When I thought about it, I was quite amazed that this was not an issue that I had to face before(or maybe it was something that I don't recall having to face, but I know I have been asked these types of questions within the last 10 years!). After being asked this question several times in the last couple of weeks, the question of having a Korean last name has really come back in my mind.

Ironically, at Sunday School class at church the discussion of names came up. Talking about how most Asians pick an English first name because it is too difficult for Americans to pronounce their first names properly. My church is predominantly Asian, and on this particular day, the only caucasion was the teacher and the rest of us were all Korean! So we went around telling each other our Korean names. The only difference was everyone else had Korean last names: Kang, Chun, Lee, and Hwang. Our teacher's last name was Calhoun and my last name of Spalding were both of Scottish decent.

Is it important that your looks match your last name? I think it makes a little bit more of a difference for a male than a female because traditionally the males carry on the family names (even in Korean culture). So its not too unusually to see an Asian woman who has a non-Asian name because people just assume she married a non-Asian. However, most men never change their family name. So if you have an non-Asian last name it is very unusual and most people don't understand how a male can have a non-Asian last name.

I doubt I would ever go to court and change my name on my own. I know growing up and even now I don't have any particular strong ties to my family name. I've always openly and sub-consciously been open to the idea of changing my last name. I know I was always fascinated with how it was always the woman who changed their last name to match their husbands. I have always thought that I would be open to taking my wife's name if I ever got married, if that was what she would rather have. I think its important for a married couple ot have the same family name, and I personally wouldn't care if its mine or my wife's. In particular, if I were to marry an Asian girl I could understand wanting to keep an Asian last name, to avoid confusions with having a non-Asian last name.

Boys Before Flowers (꽃보다 남자 )

This drama is the latest "rage" in K-Drama. This is an extremely popular drama that was apparently originally a comic, then a Japanese Drama, then a Chinese Drama, now the Koreans are trying to "up" everyone else, and they are doing a great job of it!

One of the main reasons for the popularity of this show is the use of Korean "Idols" or pop-stars as we would call it. 4 of the 5 main characters are all good looking pop-stars who attract a lot of females to the show. These four "Idols" comprise of a group called F4 in the drama and maybe you can see why so many females are infatuated with them:

Lee Min Ho (Goo Jun Pyo - The Leader)


Kim Hyun Joong (Yoon Ji Hoo - The Musician)


Kim Bum (So Yi Jung - The Potter)


Kim Joon (Song Woo Bin - The Mob Boss)


Then there is the main reason to watch the show. The main character Geum Jan Di, acted by Koo Hye Sun. She is not the stereo-typical gorgeous Korean star (although her profile picture isn't bad looking...lol), instead she is very much the "girl next door". She is attractive but it is refreshing and nice to see such a popular star that did not have plastic surgery to become successful. In the show, her character is very much "plain Jane". She wins the hearts of all of the fans of this show with her quirky, yet charismatic character. She has some of the greatest facial expressions I have seen! The only other person that comes to mind with this type of talent is Jim Carey, but I'd much rather watch Koo Hye Sun in action than Jim Carey any day!

Koo Hye Sun (Geum Jan Di - Poor Girl)


Whether you watch the show for the "eye candy" boys or the quirky/charismatic personna of Geum Jan Di, this show is excellent. I will have to so, that so far it is my favorite of all time!

A little background to the show (without ruining the plot). There is a ultra exclusive high school in Korea called Shinwha High School (obviously owned by the Shinhwa Corporation, the biggest in Korea and obviously ficticious). The school has a group called F4, who are the best looking, most gifted, and the future of Korea (see above).

At the same time there is a poor girl, Geum Jan Di, who's parents are struggling financially and run a dry cleaning store. Through some different events, Jan Di is invited to attend Shinhwa University. Where she catches the eyes of two of the four F4 members! The story goes into the typical love triangle (with a "square" thrown in later), of rich boys vs. poor girls theme.

Unlike most other dramas with similar plots, the writers do a good job of not "flip flopping" back and forth with the love triangle. It has just the right amount of trist to make you sit on the edge of your seat!

I hope you'll take the time to watch this drama some time. They are in 1 hour 15 minute episodes. I would highly recommend you watch the first episode, if your not totally enthralled by Koo Hye Sun's (Geum Jan Di) performance, or looking at the "eye candy", then maybe this show isnt for you (but then again I would check to see if you have a pulse!)

Tofu

I haven't posted in a while. I have been extremely busy.

Right now I am recovering from a cooking incident. Trying to open a box of tofu (I knew there was a reason I hate buying tofu in a box), I cut my pinky nuckle on my left hand, near to the bone! The ER doctor has put a splint on it with that crazy glue stuff because its right on the nuckle. I have taken off the splint once in a while, but the tendon is really sore...I hope it will heal soon.

Anyways, if you buy tofu, don't get it in the box, and if you do...use scissors...lol

I was making Kimchee Chigae the other night and I didn't have any tofu in my fridge. So I ran out to the local grocery store and they only have firm, extra firm, super firm tofu!! Honestly! don't they know of this awesome ingredient called soft tofu?? They multiple brands of each of these tofus. To make matters worse each was in a cardboard box! how inefficient..you can buy the soft tofu in neat plastic tubes at the Korean grocery stores...no fear of cutting yourself cutting into a tube!!

While tofu does not have much a taste in itself, people often ask me why I eat it. I reply because I like it..however, thinking about it there is not much a taste, but the fact that it is so subtle and I really like the texture. Which is probably why I prefer the super soft tofu to the firm. A soup doesn't feel right if it doesn't have tofu in it! Besides, its a "super food". Tofue is super healthy for you and it doesn't taste bad..what more could you want?

About Me

So on Diane's (a faithful reader, who also blogs, but from an AP perspective) blog, the writers are telling about themselves. I have never done this, so I thought I would give it a try to let my few readers learn a little bit more about me.

1. Name: InMySeoul (obviuosly not my real name, but my blogger name)

2. Top 5 destinations: Korea, Korea, Korea, Korea, Korea....lol ok, seriously though Korea, Luang Prabang (Laos), Koh Tao (Thailand), Whistler (Canada), Vail (Colorado).

3. Favorite Films: Oh boy. Im a movie addict. I've seen them all I guess I'll have to do them by genres:
Action: Top Gun, Patton, Platoon
Foreign Film: My Sassy Girl
Comedy: Zoolander, Grumpy Old Men, Gran Torino
Chick Flicks: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You, My Sassy Girl

Seriously, if you have never seen "My Sassy Girl", You need too! Its the best chick flick I've ever seen. I'm a sucker for the romantic ending like the cowboy riding off into the sunset.

4. Favorite Foods - uh..it would be easier to list what I don't like...lol.
Anything Korean. My favorites are: Gamja Tang, Jjim Daek, and sunduboo.

5. Favorite Color for the home - Navy Blue

6. Favorite Room in your house - Tie between kitchen (I love to cook), and my family room where my tv, big speakers, and comfy couch are located!

7. Favorite color to wear - whatever is clean and comfortable at the time!

8. Favorite season - winter with lots of snow!!

9. favorite zoo animal - I never really liked the zoo much, because it smelled. I always had fun at the polar bear exhibit, and also watching the hippos fart in the pool. I was mature for my age...lol

10. Favorite Farm Animal - none. I was raised in the city and I am a city slicker

11. Favorite time of day - morning and late late night. Wierd combination I know.

12. Favorite Type of Book - anything that gets my interest. I don't have any one genre.

13. First Job - babysitting for my sister's friends.

14. Oddest Job - hmm..never really had one. probably working at a nursery school?

15. Are you easily embarrassed? yes, usually, depending on the subject.

16. Any Phobias? Yes. I am an introvert so I hate meeting new people, I hate large groups of people. Ironically, my friends don't realize this and think I'm an extrovert, but thats only because I am good at forcing myself to overcome this weakness. The fear of falling (not heights, just the dropping part). Also I have a phobia of birds; I can't stand their legs, beaks, and feathers. I'm ok eating them as long as I dont think about the above three things.

17. Any Quirks? Oh I'm sure I have them. Im a single guy, so I know I have a few. I don't like feet. Growing up, I would wear shoes from the moment I woke up until I went to bed (even laying on the couch!). My mother says I have "baby feet" because to this day they are so soft and tender. I have had to overcome this recently because for the first time in my life, I have made friends with Asians, who incidently don't wear shoes inside the house!

I don't like giving or receiving hugs, kisses, or other forms of PDA.

18. Favorite song to sing with your kids: Well, I dont have kids. I remember my mom's favorite song: "You're 16" by Ringo Starr. If I did have kids I would probably sing: "As I Lay Me Down" by Sophie Hawkins. Awesome song, probably one of my favorites!

19. Favorite music when you were a teen: Oh man, I love everything except country. If I had to narrow it down, probably grunge and Punk. I love Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and most punk music.

20. Five words to describe you - LOUD, nerd, decisive (everything is black and white, no gray), energetic, reliable.

21. If you were offered a free trip to the moon would you go? Depends on who else was going. If it was by myself, NO. (I worked in a lab for a summer, it sucks being by yourself for a long time!)

22. Favorite TV shows when you were a kid - Party of 5, Full House, Family Matter

23. Favorite children's book - The Little Engine that Could, any Richard Scary books (because of the name)

24. Least favorite household chore - all of them!

25. Open up your local paper and write down your horoscope for today - sorry, don't have a newspaper, and actually I don't read them.

"Voices from Another Place"

This is the latest book I have read. It is a collection of short stories, poems, and art written/created by Korean adoptees. It is a very cool concept, although the application was a little weak. The book is just a hodgepodge of writings.

While the layout could have been better, there are some excellent stories and poems in the book. There were 3 or 4 stories/poems that really "hit home" for me in this book. I'm not sure if its worth buying the book for just 3 or 4 really good pieces of work?

Since it is impossible to sum up all of the emotions an adoptee feels, the only way to learn about it is to hear the stories of many adoptees. This book does provide for a lot of different feelings to be exposed, however it falls short in that the book has no organization.

At the end of the book, it gives a one or two sentence introduction of each artist, but i think the book would have been better if it had the "adoption" story of each artist prior to their work.

Like I said, I don't regret reading the book, but I'm not sure its worth the $10 price tag. I did find 3 or 4 really good pieces which I am glad to have found.

Orphanage mother

I have mentioned this before, but only in passing.

When I visited the orphanage I came from in Daejeon, I met my Orphanage mother! Its been 23 years since I was there last and she was still there! She cried and kept holding my hand and rubbing my cheeks! (my adoptive mother does this too!! I don't know what is with my cheeks, but for some reason my mothers always have to rub them!)

After hearing my story, I have come to greatly appreciate my orphanage mother. She gave me my Korean family name of "Yang", it is her family name. Even though I was only 3 at the time I was brought to the orphanage, she decided to keep me there (The orphanage is supposed to be for children 5 years and older). I was there for almost 2 years by the time I was adopted. Lastly, she had the youngest picture of me, that I didn't know existed. They took the picture the day I arrived at the orphanage. I was in clothes that I didn't recognize, and now thinking about it, I wonder if those were the clothes that I was found in, or if those were orphanage clothes? Maybe someday I'll ask.

She said that she was so thankful that I was well and had gotten a good education and had a good job. In my 23 years of being away, I never once thought about my orphanage mother. I've probably thought about my birth mother 10 times in my life, and of course my adoptive mother all the time, but my orphanage mother...I didn't even know one existed!

Apparently there were 4 of us that were adopted overseas from her "children". She said she was scared because she never heard back from any of us, and was constantly worried if she made the right choice of letting one of her "children" be adopted overseas. She then told me that one of my "brothers" visited from Germany a year before me! and that I was the second one to return "home"! She said she was so blessed that we were doing so well.

This really opened my eyes to the "unsung heroes" in my life.

In adoption we always talk about the birth mother, adoptive mother, and the adoptee, but never talk about the "orphanage mother" or people invovled in the orphanages where we came from. I wonder if my case is unique in that my "orphanage mother" has worked in the same orphanage for so long? I wonder how much of an imprint we (adoptees) leave behind on the workers that work at the orphanage.

This year for Valentine's Day I don't want to forget my "Orphanage Mother". I never realized until last year, that I had someone worrying about me at my orphanage.

Birth is More Than Once: The Inner World of Adopted Korean Children

This book was written by Hei Sook Wilkinson, and is more of a discertation than a novel. Its also quite short and kind of pricy if you calculate the price/page cost. I was pleasantly surprised how good of a read this book was. I was expecting some boring paper about adoption research. Instead I found it very interesting and very easy to read.

Hei Sook Wilkinson is a Korean Adoptee herself, and apparently very famous among the Adoptee and Asian Women circles for her work. The book is a non-fiction, and is the account of Hei Sook Wilkinson during her research of Korean Adoptees.

I would highly recommend this book to any Adoptive Parent or potential adoptive parent because it is very insightful. The information given in the book would be helpful for any foreign adoption. I would have to say it would be kind of useless for non-foreign adoptees as most of the issues discussed have to do with cultural based issues.

When I read the book, I did find myself saying "Well Duh!" Or "no kidding", but after some time and reflection I realized that to adoptees many of the things in this book are obvious, but probably not obvious to Adoptive Parents. Even though I did find a lot of things obvious, there were still a couple things I had never considered or realized myself. This made me try to think back when I was first adopted to remember how I felt.

Hei Sook Wilkinson postulates that all of the children in her study go through the same "phases" in their lives as they go through their adoption. The speed of which these "phases" pass is dependent on the children.

Again, I highly recommend this book. I think all Adoptive Parents should read it and I think even Adoptees should read it. I gives a good and clear insight on the psychology of the adoptee during the first years of adoption. I will post another post soon discussing one of the "Phases" that really hit home for me!